How do you find confidence in an environment where you feel like you don’t belong? When all you want is to feel included and just feel like a person.
Being an African American female athlete, playing a predominantly white sport is extremely challenging. African Americans already have so many setbacks in life and trying to fit into an environment where you feel like you do not belong can affect your mental health and how you view yourself.
My Experience as An African American Lacrosse Player
My name is Laila Johnson, and I am a division 1 lacrosse player at Marquette University. I started playing lacrosse when I first moved to Georgia, in 4th grade. I had never played a sport before playing lacrosse, so this was all very new to me. When I saw the lacrosse stick under my tree Christmas morning, I remember being excited but also nervous about starting something new in a new state.
Before I knew it, it was already time for my first practice. As I walked onto the field in the freezing cold, all I saw was girls who looked the same and looked to be best friends. There were already so many things different about me than everyone else. My hair was different; my outfit was different; I had a wooden shaft, while everyone else had a rubber shaft, I didn’t even have cleats that looked like theirs. I could feel the stares as I walked to sit my belongings down and stood around awkwardly with no one to talk to.
My heart was pounding with so many thoughts flowing through my brain. I thought “does no one want to talk to me because I don’t look like them?” The only person who went out of their way to speak to me was the coach. I introduced myself and she began to instruct us all to find a ball and a partner for partner passing.
I ended up being the girl someone had to pass with because there were no other options. The feeling of being the odd one out felt extremely embarrassing and awkward.
I was now anxious and my body was filled with nerves and discomfort. I dropped the very first pass thrown to me. From that point on I immediately felt judgment from my peers who were all experienced and have been playing together for years.
With some assistance from the coach, I was able to learn some tips and it eventually became a little easier. As soon as practice ended tears were flowing and my hands were frozen. I never wanted to go back.
In my family we don’t give up when things get hard, so not going back wasn’t an option.
A Continued Struggle
Everyday of practice was another day where I was excluded from group discussions. I would hear people whisper bad things about me and never had anyone to talk to during water breaks.
It almost felt like people were too afraid to even come near me.
Then when it came to game days everyone matched hairstyles except for me because I couldn’t do the same hairstyles as them. Which meant I was never in the group photos or the Tik Tok videos. During the games no one ever looked in my direction, let alone passed me the ball.
When the games were over groups of girls would go get ice cream or a treat, but I was never part of those groups.
Eventually, my mom started getting close with other moms on the team which kind of made them have to invite me places. I could feel that the invites were sometimes forced, which didn’t make me feel great. I just wanted to be treated like everyone else no matter what my skin color was. Ultimately, I knew that was why I was being treated differently because I wasn’t even given the chance to show them who I was as a person.
No one really asked how I was or asked me questions to get to know me even though I was the new girl in town. I don’t blame any of them for the way they treated me because they probably just weren’t used to seeing someone like me playing a sport like lacrosse where you usually don’t see African Americans play.
But from what I can remember, this is what Martin Luther King Jr hoped and dreamed for.
Grit and Hustle Led to Confidence
After many nights of me coming home crying because of how I was being treated, my dad pushed me every single day to get better so that the feeling would go away. Late nights in the dark when no one else was out there practicing except me, my dad, and my brother. Running hills in the rain, running sprints around the baseball field practicing picking up ground balls, and doing wall ball on school nights in the dark getting bitten by mosquitoes.
Even on days I didn’t feel like it I did it anyway because I wanted to be better than everyone else so that maybe my teammates would treat me like they treated everyone else.
It all eventually paid off.
I showed up to every practice and game working as hard as I possibly could. Since the skill aspect wasn’t fully there yet I had to show skill in different areas which were grit and hustle. I started to gain more confidence each game, but still always knew there was room for improvement.
As I got better, people started talking to me more and including me in things. It was always “good game today” or “wow you're so fast.” Complimenting my speed was my favorite compliment and gave me so much confidence to keep getting better.
I thought “if I just keep running fast people will talk to me more and like me more.”
Even though things temporarily got better there were still the little things people did to treat me differently. The first thing people see is my skin color. From there, assumptions are made that I am “too aggressive,” “a dirty player,” or that I “can’t catch.”
These assumptions just made me have to work even harder to prove them wrong and to prove to myself that I am just as good as the people around me, if not better. I have to know that things won't come as easy to me as everyone else.
Trusting the work, I put in gave me confidence like no other and made it easier to tune out all the outside noise. As long as you know what kind of player and what kind of person you are, no one else’s opinions matter.
My Message to African American Athletes
"The next time you step on the field or the court, tell yourself you are more than enough and that you deserve to be there just as much as everyone else. No matter what color your skin is, your hair is, or even what color pants you have on. "
Embrace being different, go out of your way to stand out, and do it with confidence. Lastly, do not let yourself be excluded from conversations and group hangouts. Be the person to start a conversation and invite someone somewhere because what matters more than anything else is your heart and who you are as a person.
You could be the most beautiful shade of green, but it still wouldn’t be enough for someone who’s favorite color is blue, so do it for yourself and no one else.
