From schoolwork, injuries, to playing the sport I love, I never realized how much pressure I had put on myself.
As a lacrosse goalie, I was always aiming for perfection. Even when the shots scored on me were incredible and nearly impossible to stop, I would still complain to my parents, insisting I could have done better. From club tournaments to high school lacrosse games, I constantly felt like I was falling short of my own expectations. Even after wins, I sometimes walked off the field with tears in my eyes, disappointed in myself over the smallest mistakes. No matter how well I played, my mind always found a way to criticize something.
The Pressure On My Shoulders
This constant pressure became heavier when I tore my ACL my junior year of high school. It physically affected my identity, because I was no longer able to play the sport that shaped so much who I thought I was.
Not being able to be with my team on the field had a significant impact on my mental health.
I wanted to be happy for them, and I was, but driving home after watching games was painful. I would cry in the car with my mom driving me home wishing more than anything that I could be out there helping them. I wasn’t feeling jealous, but it was more so the heartbreak of feeling left behind and not being included even though the team made sure I was.
My senior year didn’t begin the way I hoped either; I wasn’t cleared until mid-season. I was thrilled to be back at practice but mentally, I was still struggling. Every setback during recovery made me feel like my body had turned against me. I continuously worked hard, but no amount of effort could speed up the process. I was frustrated because I had not reached the expected nine to twelve month recovery timeline.
Freshman year of college brought on its own challenges. I thought I was ready for a fresh start, but the stress of schoolwork and the pressure to perform well in practice quickly caught up to me. I had a few breakdowns from feeling overwhelmed and frustrated, leading me into slipping back into my old habits. The feeling of not being perfect made me feel like I had a huge weight on my shoulder.
A New Start, New Struggles
Coming into my first year of college I was excited. I was ready for a new start after two difficult years of high school and being unable to play. I was finally able to show my potential again and continue growing as the season went on. Pre-season was enjoyable, and I loved spending time with my teammates.
But when the real season started, things changed.
I slipped back into the same mindset I had my sophomore year of high school. Needing to be perfect and overthinking the littlest of things. From my clears not going the way I wanted, to shots that I thought I could have saved; I would get frustrated fast.
I had an academic meeting with my coach to check up on my grades and my lacrosse progress. In that meeting we talked about how I was constantly stressing to be perfect from my grades to doing well on the lacrosse field. While talking my coach had said something that stuck in my head. She told me that “the sport should be fun and everything you do should be fun while practicing”. The saying sounded so simple but it is a quote I continuously remember when I start to overthink while playing the sport. It helped remind me why I fell in love with lacrosse in the first place. It showed me how much pressure I was putting on myself and how I was forgetting to enjoy the game.
My Support Systems
Through these tough times in my life, I am grateful that I had the support systems I needed.
My mom has always been my biggest support when going through tough times.
She has seen me at my worst moments from frustration and discouragement; she never made me feel alone. With every setback in my ACL injury, she would encourage and remind me of my progress by helping me see the bigger picture. Seeing me upset would make her emotional too, as it was a struggle watching me through the obstacles of my recovery. During the hardest moments, she always found ways to calm me down or give me good strategies to manage my stress, whether it was breathing techniques or taking things one step at a time that I could handle.
My high school coaches were also an important support system. When they saw me down during my junior year, they had come over to talk to me and say, “ Everything will be okay, Syd.” They helped me remember that I was still part of the team even if I wasn’t playing.
My best friend also helped me through the tough time. When I would be down, she would always find ways to cheer me up. She helped me stay connected to lacrosse when I couldn’t play.
From wall ball to passing with each other to shooting on me, she made sure I kept working on my skills. Even though I couldn’t be in a real game, she helped me get as much game-like preparation as possible that my physical therapist allowed me to, before being cleared halfway through my senior season. Her support helped keep my hope up during my senior season.
As I have gotten older the term fun can sometimes be forgotten. The experience with my coach helped remind me that it is not so much about focusing on the negatives, but about seeing the positive outcomes.
The truth is I have never been on this journey alone, from my mom pushing me when I was having doubts during my recovery to my coaches who helped shape and change my confidence as a player. I would not be the person I am today if it was not for them. They have shown me what it means to lean on the people who care about you, to accept their encouragement, and let yourself grow through the support of others.
