This athlete mental health week, ISNation is working with our network of ambassadors, pro-athletes, and mental health professionals to break the silence.
Everyone struggles; and our platform exists to help athletes feel seen and to ensure their stories are heard. In doing so, we hope that other athletes going through hard times can feel like they’re not alone and that there is always a blue sky beyond the clouds. This story is a deeply personal one from one of our amazing ambassadors Kamryn Henson, a lacrosse player at Virginia Tech (Virginia Polytechnic Institute and State University). Please share this story with the athletes in your life and let them know you’re there for them if they ever need someone to talk to.
Content Warning: This story below discusses mental health struggles, self-harm, and recovery. If you or someone you know is struggling, please seek professional help (see resources at the bottom of the article).
Kam’s Story:
Think about it, you are in the middle of a high school lacrosse season, classes ramping up because of finals, and feeling alone with pressure that you wish on no other person.
I have been struggling with mental health since I was in middle school, ADHD (Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder) was my first diagnosis. When I got into my eighth grade year I showed some signs of OCD (Obsessive compulsive disorder). . At first, my psychiatrist thought my depressive symptoms were connected to my OCD. I was prescribed Zoloft, which helped me through most of high school. Looking back now, there were subtle warning signs I ignored, starting with changes in my appetite. I stopped enjoying lacrosse the way I normally did and had no motivation at all, but I convinced myself I was just going through a rut.
It did not start to take a toll until I got into the months of January and February. It started to feel like I wanted to sleep forever, and I did not want to go and do things. Looking back, there were clear signs I should have paid attention to. When I went out, I partied excessively, and with school I stopped caring altogether. People brushed it off as senioritis, but that was never like me.
I am known for my work ethic to a lot of the people in my life but I became a harder person during this time period; getting mad at others, taking things out on my loved ones, and overall not appreciating life as much as I used to. I kept telling myself it would pass, but deep down I felt like it would not. The ways I tried to cope only made things worse. I partied heavily, self harmed, and stopped taking care of myself. I was spiraling, and as I did, the days began to blur together.
The months of January to May in 2024 felt foggy and like a blur. I was drowning. I got to April 15, 2024, my 18th birthday. I still felt like my world was crumbling down. Before that day, I would say things like “I just want to sleep forever,” and when something small went wrong I would joke, “ugh, kill myself.” It sounded casual, but the truth is I had been thinking about not wanting to be here for a long time and on April 15, my birthday, those thoughts became a plan.
I remember this day so vividly. I left school early because I was mentally checked out and slept for most of the day before practice. Later that afternoon, I headed to practice. It was hot, the kind of day people call good lacrosse weather, but to me it felt unbearable. I was miserable the entire time and all I wanted was to leave.
Practice was centered around three drills, stick skills, 5v5s, and 7v7s. On paper, this was my dream practice, I really enjoy live play. In reality it felt like every second was a minute and every minute was an hour, I did not want to be there, I did not want to be anywhere, I just wanted to be gone.
At the end of practice my mom surprised me and my teammates with cupcakes and I remember taking a picture for one of my best friends.
I had the biggest smile on my face holding a balloon, I looked like the happiest person alive on their special day, deep down I was the saddest I had ever been. I got a CRUMBL cookie after practice with my friends and that even felt dreadful.
When I got home that night, I felt completely drained and overwhelmed. I was exhausted from the pain, and I decided that the week of April 15 to April 20 would be my last week alive. After making that decision, I went to sleep feeling strangely lighter, as if knowing I only had to get through one more week made everything feel manageable.
I woke up on that Tuesday morning and I remember telling myself that I needed to make people believe I was okay to make this work. I finished out the week and no one thought of anything, I was still my upbeat usual self.
Saturday, April 20th of 2024 was the day of my prom. In the days leading up to it, I knew this would be the day I attempted to take my own life. I thought everyone was partying and no one would notice.
I woke up that morning feeling light, that soon the pain I was feeling was going to be gone.
That night, we were at the prom after party, and I was intentionally pushing myself toward the hospital. I drank far more than my body could handle. I do not remember anything after my fourth drink, and everything that happened after that has been told to me by others. I made my way to the bathroom and began throwing up. Looking back now, twenty one months after my attempt, I am deeply grateful to be alive and believe that things happened for a reason. The party ended early, and parents began arriving to pick everyone up. I was not conscious of this, but my friend's mom was adamant on not leaving without me. My friends searched the house and found me on the bathroom floor, unresponsive but still breathing. My best friend's mom called my mom immediately and said “Kam is okay but I am worried about her breathing”. My mom came right away and took me to the hospital with my brother. It took her and my brother to carry me in because it was like carrying a dead body weight. My blood alcohol content was severe enough that I could have passed away that night if I was not given the attention that I got that night.
I spent the night in the hospital, I woke up and I looked around and the first feeling I felt was regret. Regret because how could I do this to the people I care about the most? Then I felt anger, anger because my attempt did not work and I still felt the pain I was feeling before. Lastly, and the strangest feeling of all, was hope. I felt hopeful knowing that there were people in my life who cared enough to step in and make sure I was taken care of.
The first person I saw when I woke up was my dad. He did not say a word at first, he just hugged me and said, “It is going to be okay.” That one hug made every worry fade away. For the first time in nearly nine months, my head, which had felt so loud for so long, finally went silent. That morning was not the end of my story, it was the beginning.
I did not automatically become okay after this, I needed to heal. My family gave me so much support, my mom supported me and got me into therapy.
Everyone’s healing process looks different. For me, talking things through helped the most, along with journaling. About ten to eleven months after my attempt, I could confidently say I was happy again. The process was not easy. It came with hard realizations, heartbreaks, and meaningful moments, but I would not trade it for anything.
I am now nineteen years old, twenty-one months since my attempt, and eight months and twenty days self harm free, and I can confidently say that this is the happiest I have ever been. I am now a division one lacrosse player at Virginia Tech, in my sophomore year. I work with Morgan’s Message and ISNation where I advocate for a life that eliminates the stigma around mental health, where people feel less alone and they feel comfortable asking for help.
Not every recovery is the same and healing is not linear, if there is one thing you should take from this story it should be that it does get better, asking for help makes you brave not weak, and there are people who care about you. Always be kind, you never know what someone is going through and you will never know how much a hug or a smile can impact someone's day.
Mental Health Hotlines and Resources
If you or someone you know needs support: U.S. & Canada: Call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline)
If you’re outside the U.S., please contact local emergency services, see international suicide hotlines, or locate a trusted mental health organization in your country.
Even if you don’t think it’s an emergency, please reach out to a coach, counselor, parent, or trusted adult. No struggle or worry is too small to talk about.
